It’s a Saturday night, and I’m at home for a moment uploading some photos I took for my digital photography class before going out again for a bit. Taking a photo class has given me a bright pair of eyes, and I’m seeing so much detail in the world it’s startling. The rooftops of buildings. Green grass growing through cracks in the sidewalk. Life is beautiful, intricate. In the meantime, I’ve had less work in the porn business. At least, it feels that way.
In 2009 I did so many projects. I did more films and website shoots in that single year than I had in the few leading up to it. And then all the rush of the AVNs came and then was “re-lived” over again via websites and places I was amazed at finding myself, such as Life Magazine, Village Voice, and interviews. And now, after films and shoots have released, and the interviews have slowed, at this very moment in time, if feels like porn has slowed down.
But I know it’s not “slowed down”. Or more specifically, I know that how fast it goes is not the point.
The rush is energizing, powerful. So much so that when the interviews slow, or the online mentions or the film projects are few, it almost seems like its ending. Or that the work I’m doing is somehow lessening. This is a strange feeling, and I know it’s conditional in spite of it’s newness.
Which leads me to a thought that I had realized long before my leap into adult work but never so strongly felt until now. Through my prior work as a professional modern dancer, as an arts administrator, as an artist, and as a driven person who also knows how to relax, all of this has contributed to my understanding that awards and recognition are nice — and helpful to the larger goal of visibility and legitimacy — but individually, acclaim is not the reason I’m doing this. So while it’s nice to have acknowledgement, I know that it’s not a meter of success and I can’t use fleeting moments of merit as a gauge to figure out “how I’m doing”.
Ultimately, what counts is my own experience, and how I determine whether it works for me is, up to me. So far, it’s nice to take a little breather, look forward to the next wave.
P.S. “Momentums” has a story: at the AVN awards I offered a program copy of 2010 AVN Awards show to Courtney Trouble, suggesting that we keep them as a “momentum”. I had meant to say memento, as in a keepsake, however the word slipped off my tongue and it became a hell of a lot more poignant. Referring to the program copy as a momentum would foreshadow ideas that the ceremony was yet another ripple in a long path of this crazy artsy queer porn life. We didn’t win, but winnings not always the point.