Sex Lists and Slut Pride

by Jiz Lee on / Gender, Sex

When a recent “Facebook revenge” started circulating the internet involving a youth’s sex list, I couldn’t help but cringe.

There’s a lot of real and potential harm in slut-shaming for youths. There are more than a few examples of youth who have been killed, who have committed suicide (incredibly sad), who have struck out against others in violence and fear, because each situation was dangerously elevated by the negative reaction of community members towards their sexuality. The shame, fear, anger, and hatred against sexuality creates a victim out of everyone, especially youth. And while boys are hardly immune to this we often see the victims arise as young women, trans and queer youths.

“Facebook Revenge” is currently posted on tons of blogs and each pretty much say the same thing. I’m weary of the comments found on these sites, reactions by adults which often show disgust over the idea of a young girl being so outwardly sexual. They laugh at her for keeping a list, call her words like slut, whore, bitch, etc…  say she deserved it, point blame at her parents, and many also brag about how “good” their own families or children are for not being [outwardly] sexual at all. Furthermore, a few consider this action as having “ruined her life” — and for this I have to pause. Since when is being sexual and knowing what you want, with whom — and by what deadline! —  a bad thing? I hope this list will add evidence to the fact that teens are sexually active and require honest sex education — not “protection” and definitely not punishment.

The comment, “I ♥ Facebook like you ♥ cock” is admittedly funny, but needs more analysis because the obvious difference is consent. Overall, the comment reactions of the post creep me out because of the judgments being slung around. Mollena replied at me, “I wish she’d been able to own it…THAT would have taken the wind out his sails!” And I agree! The whole point of the sensationalism of this thing is the very fact that it’s “embarrassing”. I wish it was more acceptable to be a slut.

When I was a teen, I was sexually active and found negativity around the topic of sex so I kept a lot of my experiences a secret. I also had a list and though I wasn’t as goal-oriented as the author of the list in question, my list had crushes I wanted to get with and the people who I already had sexual relations with and the sex acts we had done. If I could remember to do it I included the date when it happened. Often this was in list form, though sometimes it became journal entries. I gave blow-jobs, and hand-jobs, and people ate me out. I lost my V-card. I also did stupid things like use lotion as lube and double-up condoms because I didn’t know better.

Years passed and I got lazy about lists. I started again after college when I became poly and far more promiscuous. Now I continue to record sex through my iPhone period app because it’s an easy calendar to use and I always have it on hand. There are a lot of good reasons to keep lists of partners and sexual encounters. Keeping notes of what lovers like/dislike can be important in sex work. Some people who keep clients record boundaries, fantasies, and even sadistic ideas they get, while other people even keep a journal specifically for their lover to read.

Juliette Stray replied at me “I used to keep a sex list too, though I don’t think I ever really checked any off. In slut solidarity we should make & post new ones.” If I made one it would probably chronicle the co-stars I’ve worked with and performers who I want to work with in the future. But to be honest, my co-stars are often lovers who are new to porn so any onscreen list I create would be, compared to my personal life, relatively short! Isn’t that ironic.

Jiz Lee

8 Replies to “Sex Lists and Slut Pride”

Furry Girl

Thanks for pointing out Mollena’s comment. Owning it was how I dealt with slut-shaming when I was a teenager, and doing so was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I wish more young sluts did so.

And I have kept a list for AGES (paper before, now a Sticky on my desktop). It’s not a to-do, but a *done* list.

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kayla-jane

As a teen I was the center of some of this slut bashing controversy … an instant message conversation in which i had disclosed detailed information about my masturbation habits, turn-ons and sexual experiences (all the juicy stuff) had been emailed all around my school by the next morning. I walked into a school shaming me and scaring me into lying to the police and causing the controversy continue. I basically told the police someone had altered the original conversation because I couldn’t imagine coming clean to the officers admitting to the dirty things I had copped to in the instant messages. Although I have not kept a list in years I am currently writting a book – or a letter – disclosing to my ex all my infidelities in honest accounts. It is a slut list with over 15 “chapters” in 2 years – while in a “committed/serious/live-in relationship”. I am proud of my former conquests and I think if you are a sexually confident person or just someone who enjoys their sexuality why not be proud of where you have been – it has made you the lover you are today…

cheers
<3
KJD

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Angry

I have never kept list i have a pretty good memory and no one in the south is kinky in any way. I’m a firm believer in quantity over quality and the more the merrier. I don’t think slut is even in my vocabulary.

I never felt any shame really even when i was in high school I just didn’t give a fuck. I don’t know what happen i just woke up one day in my senior year of high school and i just give a fuck any more.. I had like 2 boyfriends and 3 girlfriends it was so random.

I’m so open with it even now I tell people everything I even offer up pictures to my friends.

I kinda of feel like i can’t comment on this because I was kind of an alpha male. I didn’t face the stigma of losing my virginity or any of the shit that comes with fucking guys. I was never the whore or the cock suckers or any of that.

okay now I just feel bad for her again…

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Volatelle

The internet is both a blessing and a curse. It’s unfortunate that it can be used to (potentially) harm someone in a slut-shaming manner – but also because it opens up a dialogue like this one with sex-positive people.

Thank you so much for posting this! Its a topic that definitely needs more POSITIVE attention.

Elle

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loripop326

This is an absolutely fantastic post. Thank you.

Slut-shaming isn’t just dangerous to the slut who might not be ready to own her title, it’s also dangerous to society as a whole, by perpetuating a mentality that will continue to condemn the actions of those that seek pleasure for the sake of being pleasured.

Seriously, a fantastic post.

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ct

when i was in 9th grade, my step brother molested me. the next day, i went to school and broke up with my boyfriend. (Oh man, you should have seen him… mohawk, check, Dead kennedys t-shirt, check, fingerbanging suck-the-life-out-of-you-teenage-lust, check, taught me bar chords, check…) So anyways, he was a very “popular” “punk” and I dumped him, and everybody wanted to know why, and I kept lying and lying and lying and lying so that nobody knew what had happened to me. the lies were cross-referenced by the gossip girls, and I ended up with no cool, popular, punk rock boyfriend (which was QUITE an anomoly in my high school), no friends, and no family trust. this is a case in favor of publicly outing what happens to you in high school, preferably while you’re still in it and not 10 years later like me. i really, really wish i had told my high school punk rock boyfirend the truth. i ended up leaving that school because of it.

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geekporngirl

[…] an alt porn star/model/web geek recently named one of the 10 Sexiest Geeks in the world, wrote a recent blog post about young women keeping lists of their sexual goals and activities in response to the story of a […]

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