Every time I think about the upcoming AVN Awards Ceremony and my nomination for “Best New Web Star” I get a chill that runs through my body and ends up at the flesh on the bottom of my butt as sharp goosebumps. January 9th rapidly approaches and I’m realizing that I’m really fucking nervous about the chance of actually winning this thing.
While I consider the nomination an award in itself, I also keep psyching myself out about the possibility of winning and what it could mean for my future choices within the adult industry (whether indie, mainstream or an awkward combination that finds it’s own path).
Part of me thinks, “AVN is so mainstream, I don’t stand a chance!” Another part thinks, “Huh. Just imagine if I won. This could be a huge step towards the visibility of queer porn, of alternate presentations of gender and sexuality. This is why I do this… so who knows!” Yes, there is much potential here, and I can’t describe that idea without acknowledging that in being some sort of ‘queer porn poster child’, there is privilege. Regardless of my own vision of ‘self’, I know I have qualities congruent to stereotypical Euro-centric ‘beauty’. I’m thin, light-skinned, have feminine proportions, etc…. I can be accessible to a ‘broad audience’ while still at the same time being an ‘other’ in many ways. Of course this grey-area struggle is not uncommon… and besides, aren’t we ALL fighting within our own boundaries, insecurities, and identities?
So with that in consideration, in my New Years resolution I hold this value: that the more visibly supportive I am for my peers and the things which I hold true to myself, the more powerful and proud I will be of success and the positivity it can bring. In essence, I just gotta be me. What I find utterly thrilling, and what makes me tremble, is that I think people are more than just watching me; I think they might actually be seeing me.