It’s a question I get asked a lot and it’s a fairly simple answer: Yes, many close family members know that I do porn, and they support me. And some of them don’t know yet because I want to come out to them when the time is right.

Simple enough on the surface, but there’s much more.

Without getting into too much specifics, because I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to speak on behalf of someone else with such a personal topic, I’ll share some of thoughts I’ve had since coming out a few years ago.

1. Coming out about porn can mean coming out about other things.
In my case, my porn involves a lot of aspects of my personal life. This means incorporating queer and kinky sex with many of my lovers, my gender expression, and this very website with my blog describing how I enjoy sex work and think it’s fun and healthy. That sentence alone incorporates at least five things to come out about, besides porn itself: My 1) queer sexuality; 2) Kink; 3) polyamorous lifestyle; 4) genderqueer/trans* identity; and, 5) sex work as sex-positive pleasure.

It can difficult to come out as just one of these things, so the fact that they’re wrapped up in one another adds complications. Since my teenage years, I’ve come out as gay, then poly, and the last three all together.

2. You don’t just come out once.
As I’ve come out over the years about different things, I’ve come to understand that the act of coming out is not a one-time event. It’s not like once you’ve come out, it’s over and things are either fine or they’re not. There are the on-going discussions that come up and there’s further outings that happen (either by you or other people, sometimes accidentally). It takes an open heart to commit to being honest about the fears and anger that can arise, and to communicate these feelings in a healthy way.

I’m blessed to have a lot of love in my family. And that love is there even when there is fear or confusion.

3. There’s very few resources.
Books have been written for parents of transgender youth, for teens on coming out as queer, and BDSM lifestyles such as ”When Someone You Love is Kinky“. When one of my partners and I were first exploring non-monogamy, we found “The Ethical Slut” and “Opening Up” full of helpful information. And while there are books about sex work and sex & culture, there’s not much specific to pornography. Of the sex educators and sexologists I’ve asked, it seems that this book has yet to be written.

For a brief history on the beginnings of the porn industry as we know it, check out Michael Stabile’s documentary “SMUT CAPITAL OF AMERICA“.  A strange fact is that the very people I’m coming out to have been alive longer than the industry itself. Porn — at least the kind that’s sold online and in stores for personal viewing — hasn’t been around for very long. Perhaps the fact that it’s still so new is one reason why there’s not a lot published on the subject.

Another reason of course, is the subject itself.

4. Porn is a four-letter word.
One of the reasons it took me so long to come out was my fear that I would be judged and I would lose my family’s love. No matter how brilliant and loving someone is, I still am afraid that coming out to them will cause them to think poorly of me, pulling from society’s stereotypes of sex workers being naive or damaged victims, powerless or coerced. There’s so much shame around sex in our culture, that even though it’s legal and very common, there’s stigma around P-O-R-N. (On a side note, many of the people I’ve worked with refuse to call their work “porn” because of these terrible associations. For myself though, I think that breaking down the stereotypes is part of the process. While much of the work I do can be described as erotic, sexual documentary and adult cinema, and my intentions can gravitate towards sex-positive representation and alternative views of healthy sexuality through working primarily with people whom I’ve loved… at the end of the day: I did porn.

5. The Internet is Forever.
Part of my organic, “self-agent process” entails my decisions to meet directors and co-stars before agreeing to on a project. And if that can’t happen for whatever reason, they must come with strong references or recommendation from people I know. When you perform in porn, you sign the rights of your image over to a producer. When a sexual image of you is published online, it’s there forever. It’s downloaded to user’s computers, it’s shared on Tumblr, and as much as you might try to control it… once it’s done, it’s done. This is the reason I try to work with directors and producers who I feel understand and respect me and my identity. The process of putting myself out there in ways I have some control over, establishing my identity and creating representations of people like me, outweigh the dangers of people behaving with malicious or exploitative intentions. It’s a known risk, and one I’m willing to take even though it can be frightening, especially for loved ones.  It can also mean that you can be outed through an image online at any given time… regardless if it’s flattering or not.

So where am I now?

Honestly, I think I’m still the same place I was before I first came out, only now I can share my excitement and pride in my accomplishments. How GOOD it feels to not have to tell white lies about my trips abroad, traveling half-way around the world to “visit friends”. I hate lying. I feel more shame in the fact that I lied to my family, than I ever will about the sex I had on film.

And coming out hasn’t changed my decisions about doing porn. (Although knowing that my family can read my blog means I’ll try to remember to proofread.) As always, I’ll continue to do projects which I think are satisfying to me while exploring the genre — in a way that is safe and sustainable, and teaches me and others about sex and pleasure. From the beginning, each project I do is a choice. Even though I can’t claim that they’ve all been brilliant, shining examples of my sex-positive philosophy, and that sometimes I work with a production that probably wasn’t the best fit, each project has been lesson in helping me define and articulate the power I have of my own sexuality and autonomy.

So, I feel proud about all this. And, I want to ask for your help.

I wrote this blog post in hopes that it will help me form my thoughts about coming out, and maybe it can offer something to you. But I need more resources. Do you know a good book or blog post I can use to create a “syllabus” of supporting materials to help other performers, families and friends find the information and validation they need to come out? (This information will help me and my own family too, that’s for certain!)

In addition to books and links, I’d like personal stories.

To be truthful, I’m not sure what I will do with these stories yet. That might be determined by how many of you share them with me. I might want to publish them in an eBook. Or simply share them on this blog. Or on Tumblr. As far as I know, this book has not been written, despite how helpful I think it might be. I know performers who have had beautiful coming out stories with their families, and some who have not. I know performers who are parents themselves, and so coming out involves age appropriate information for youth.  I also have youth in my life who I will someday decide to share some level of information about what I do. I’d rather they hear it from me than their friends. So, what was your experience like? Or what information do you withhold? If you or someone in your family hasn’t done porn, do you talk about watching it? Or do you protect your files? Are there other coming out stories you think are relevant? I want very much to hear about experiences other than my own, so I’m putting out a call for submissions.

Coming Out About Porn

Please send me your porn coming out story. You can write anonymously, you can share your book or other resources with me.

Submissions should be approximately 1000 words.

Email word documents to jiz@jizlee.com.

Feel free to submit work you’ve already published, or work you’re planning to publish.

I will reply to everyone by the end of March.  Feel free to repost.

Thank you everyone, for the support you’ve given to me through your emails and messages, for purchasing my work, for respecting my gender pronouns and sexuality, for inspiring me to write and share my experiences, and more. I’m looking forward to hearing from you!

Cherry will screen at Berlinale. (I’ll be there as well for the premiere of Cheryl Dunye’s MOMMY IS COMING!)

Here’s the trailer and more info about the film:

Synopsis: Cherry is about Angelina (Ashley Hinshaw), an 18-year-old girl on the verge of finishing high school. Angelina’s family life is difficult. Her mother (Lili Taylor) is an alcoholic and her step-father is violent and unpredictable. One morning her boyfriend (Jonny Weston) suggests she take naked pictures for money. She balks at first but then does the photo shoot, using the money to run-off with her best friend (Dev Patel) to San Francisco. In San Francisco, while cocktailing in a strip club, Angelina meets Frances (James Franco) a well-off lawyer who offers to introduce her to a different kind of world, a place full of expensive dresses and fancy parties. But that world is not as perfect as it first appears and Frances has problems of his own. At the same time Angelina, using the moniker Cherry, has begun exploring the San Francisco porn industry under the direction of Margaret (Heather Graham) a former performer turned adult film director.

Cherry was shot in the San Francisco Armory, home of Kink.com. At 250,000 square feet the armory is the largest adult film studio in the world. Stephen Elliott, the director of Cherry is a former sex worker who is also the author of seven books. The movie was written by Stephen Elliott and Lorelei Lee, a porn performer who is also a writer and lecturer at New York University.

Cherry challenges assumptions about porn, sexuality, and success, and faces the difficult question of where you need to be in order to find yourself.

I’m thrilled to announce that one of the images from my recent Secret Angel Karma Pervs collaboration with photographer Shilo McCabe (of the Sex Positive Photo Project) will be supporting Shibari Relief, a kinky artist’s fundraiser for disaster relief in Japan.

Patti Beadles and Mark I. Chester are organizing a kinky art silent auction/sale/raffle of BSDM art, sexual art and other related items to be held at Wicked Grounds this Sunday, March 27th from 2-5 pm. Shilo will be donating a 16×20 print of our winged photo.  The print will be signed by Shilo and myself.

100% of the proceeds go directly to the American Red Cross, earmarked for disaster relief in Japan.  Come out and support the event, and enjoy coffee and sweet (vegan and non-vegan) treats. Additionally, anyone making a donation at the door will get a ticket to get two free digital pix taken by San Francisco gay radical sex photographer, Mark I Chester at his studio at 1229 Folsom St., just 1/2 block from Wicked Grounds, from 3-5pm during the fundraiser.

Shilo adds that Miss Maggie Mayhem artisian clothespins will also be available. And if you aren’t able to make the date in SF, maybe contact Shilo to purchase a special print?

UPDATE! Thank you those who attended and purchased items! The event raised $2478!

Written/Produced by Bette Bentley. Directed by Vincent Peone and Bette Bentley. Piss is a short film about a girl trying to convince her feminist boyfriend to pee on her. Official selection of the Miami Short Film Festival and Austin Gay and Lesbian Film Festival and Cinekink Film Festival.

Laurenn’s project will be exhibited at the end of the month, at which time I’ll have more info and official links.
In the meantime, here it is for you to ponder. Note that the face is Laurenn’s.

Though she wont be there, I’d like to give a big shout out to Shine Louise Houston who I hope to be able to represent… and when I think about it, everyone attending the panel has worked with Shine and has shot for her website CrashPadSeries.com! Gotta love what a small family we are.

Here’s the flyer and full line-up of the event, coordinated by Juliette March (podcast of Juliette and Madison Young discussing what it was like to organize the events). A video will be recorded and I’ll make sure to grab a link or copy to provide for those who miss it. Some of the presentations are live-streamed via queerporn.tv.

Sex Positive Queer Positive Porn Week Schedule

Monday

5-7 – D1107
Courtney Trouble - DIY Porn: Screening, How to, and Q&A

7:30 – Lecture hall 5
Film Showing: Live Nude Girls Unite

Tuesday

4-6 – D1107
James Darling –Trans Sexuality 101: Sex & Trans Partners

6-8 – C1105
Tina Horn hosts –Use Your Words: Dirty Talk Workshop

Wednesday

2-4 – C1105
Queer Visibility & Sex Positivity in Porn with Queer Porn Stars Jiz Lee, Tina Horn, Sophia St. James, Mickey Mod, & James Darling

4:30- 6:30 – C1107
Jiz Lee –Impact Play Workshop

6:30-8:30 – C1107
Sophia St. James –Owning Your Cock: Strap On Play Workshop

Thursday

5-7 – C1105
Movie Screening: Fluid –Women Redefining Sexuality

Friday

5-7 – A1105
Movie Screening: Healing Sex –The Complete Guide to Sexual Wholeness plus follow-up with conversation with Evergreen’s Coalition Against Sexual Violation

Source:  blogs.evergreen.edu

Directions and Campus Maps

Wrapped for Pleasure: Easy Bondage for Steamy Sex
Monday, November 1st
6-8 pm
$20 in advance, $25 at the door
Brown Paper Tickets
Workshop Registration Information

Good Vibrations Polk Street Store (goodvibes.com)
1620 Polk Street (at Sacramento Street), San Francisco, CA 94109
(415) 345-0400 Map and Directions

Want to bring sizzling, sexy, fun, and easy erotic bondage to your bedroom? Don’t want to bother with expensive gear or complicated ropes? Come learn how to use stealthy scarves to combine sex with super easy bondage! Learn fun positions, techniques and how to change positions quickly. Midori will teach you safe non-rope ties for sex in various positions, making the best fitting dildo harness ever, sexual sensation enhancement with good positions, and more. There will be lots practice time so bring some a beach towel or yoga mat, a pillow or two if you like, and wear comfortable clothing. (All the exercises will be fully clothed.) Bring scarves if you like. Otherwise equipment and scarves will be provided. Couples or intimately comfortable friends encouraged!

It’s already September! So much has happened I barely know where to start.

While shooting with Courtney Trouble for Kelly Shibari‘s BBW/body-positive BDSM website PaddedKINK.com, we took a moment to shoot for Karma Pervs. Kelly and I found a fun and playful rhythm on a soft white rug. I love that the shoot is so playful and relaxed because it helps to show another side of kink. It was also a great opportunity for me to model with a true professional — Kelly is such a great performer and is so incredibly sexy.

Courtney took so many great photos of us, that this update is a special one, with twice as many photos — 100 in total!

Being that San Francisco is celebrating Folsom Street Fair this month, I thought it a good opportunity to do a kink/leather themed update for Karma Pervs. The 2010 Femme Conference brought a very special person into town, Lillith Grey. I had the good fortune of having a chance to get to know her and was blown away when she told me about the work of the SSC Fund. She helped get me in touch with 2009 International Mr. Leather title holder Jeffrey Payne, and I’m proud to focus the fundraiser this month on the SSC Fund, which primarily supports Hearing from the Heart, as well as The Leather Archives & Museum and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.

Benefiting Sharon St. Cyr Fund, Inc

Our mission is that together, with the community, the Sharon St. Cyr Fund, Inc. (SSC Fund) will create different programs to raise funds to provide hearing aids for hearing-impaired individuals and provide grants to organizations for ASL interpreting services for the deaf and hard of hearing community. The SSC Fund, Inc. also works to assist organizations that are in need of higher profiles and working capital to accomplish missions for sexual freedom, equality, and for organizations that serve sexual minority communities.

Win Prizes!

Maui Kink Gift Card

One lucky member during the month of September will receive a $75 Gift Card for Custom BDSM Gear from Maui Kink. Did you know I’m from Maui? Yup! Though I didn’t find my place in a queer and kink community until I had moved to San Francisco. I’m thrilled to be returning home this month and will have a chance to meet and talk story. Their stuff is so nice, and very unique. Check them out at MauiKink.com.

MauiKink.com is dedicated to creating distinctive and superior toys for the BDSM and Kink communities, using only the finest materials and tools. Each item is hand crafted with love and care by artisans on the beautiful Island of Maui; by men and women who are part of and support the various BDSM/Fetish/Kink/Leather communities. The values of `Ohana, Aloha and Pono are foundations for our company.

Courtney Trouble’s Speakeasy DVD *Autographed by me!*

Care of Good Releasing, GoodVibes.com will donate a DVD copy of Speakeasy, which I will personally autograph before it is mailed out to you. This film won the Feminist Porn Awards’ “Most Tantalizing Trans Film” and was nominated for a 2010 AVN Award for Best Music.

Detective Billy Castro descends into the world of porn noir as he investigates an underground queer club filled with handsome transmen and femme fatales. While on a stakeout, the private dick witnesses Jiz Lee and Dallas Fivestar perform passionate rope suspension with ejaculation, as well as the bartenders tending to each other. After fighting for a chance to dance with the lovely Lorelei Lee, our gumshoe gets more than a mambo during their table-top tryst. Shot on location in an actual speakeasy bar, award-winning director Courtney Trouble worked with videographer Morty Diamond to capture the feel of the 1940s, as well as the queer fetish and fearlessness of our own era.

It also happens to be queer friendly as well; Courtney Trouble and I shot for one of the scenes, and it was a smash hit. I was really flattered to be a part of it, not only because I applaud the creation of a kink-focused site that features more diversity, and the accomplishments of it’s creator Kelly Shibari, but also because I got to share the moment with Courtney. It set the stage as her emergence into a new level of kinky/poly porn performance for the award-winning director.

We staged our scene in the incredible shower at the home of Jamye Waxman.

I tied Courtney up (in a pretty mean way — with hemp rope that tightens when wet) and subjected her to an ice cold rinsing. I made her suck my cock while her face was pummeled with freezing water, and then shoved her in the tiled corner, where I fingered her until she came, shivering, and then left her sopping wet.

It wasn’t the nicest thing to do for a friend I care so much about and for her first leap into kinky porn.
But then again, being nice wasn’t the point. (Besides, look how much fun it was — you can see me smirking at how cold the water felt. It was *very* cold.)

Watch our scene at PaddedKINK.com!

Ass checks spread, the milk is pushed out and white streams hit the ground and other performers mouths and genitals. The milk is very white (as milk is) which happens to pick up well on camera. Enemas can also be done with water, colored water, milk, and soy milk too. I myself have done cleansing enemas, not clean enema expulsions such as those in this tape. Right now I’m viewing Milk Nymphos 2.

[a thin stream milk dribbles out of a squatting ass.]

Today was the first day in court for John Stagliano, who is a defendant in a Federal obscenity charge that if he loses may sentence him to 35 years in jail and $7 million in fines, if convicted. When he was charged in 2008, many in the adult industry came to his aid with the film Defend Our Porn. You can read more, including brilliant posts by his wife Karen on defendourporn.org. He’s a business man, family man, and pornographer. Of the empire of works Stagliano produced, the three videos in question are: the trailer for “Belladonna’s Fetish Fanatic Chapter 5“, “Joey Silvera’s Storm Squirters 2: Target Practice“, and Jay Sin’s “Milk Nymphos”. The first two are available online, however I can’t seem to find a non-torrent version of “Milk Nymphos”. Because I feel it’s unethical to watch a pirated free version of a porn made by a guy who has been burdened by financial and legal bullshit for the last two years, I decide to instead watch its sequel with my minutes on HotMoviesForHer.com.

[three-way, milk squirts onto a blowjob. her aim is terrific.]

I imagine Milk Nymphos 2 to be much like the original Milk Nymphos. In court today, the jury watched 50 minutes worth of excerpts from the 3-hour film. That fact alone might be a whole other topic: watching porn in the courthouse. A row of jurors with headphones watch the footage, which is faced away from press and public who observe the jurors reactions in silence. The fact that it isn’t outrightly shown to everyone makes it seem like it’s already a shameful thing. Then again, if the court forces others to watch something potentially “obscene”, is that legal? The question of the jury watching/not watching/partially watching the material creates, as Mark Kernes of AVN eloquently points out, a Catch-22. Another great article is on Reason.com.

[i am fast-forwarding]

The trailer for Belladonna’s Fetish Fanatic Chapter 5 is no longer available on EnterBelladonna.com, nor is it on posts like Fleshbot where it may have appeared when he was charged in 2008, as Violet Blue chronicled on TinyNibbles.com. So my minutes continue on HotMoviesForHer.com with not the trailer but the movie itself. Like a lot of Belladonna’s stuff, it contains large colorful dildos, hard fucking, enema expulsions, feet, and a powerful female ejaculation that almost knocks over a co-star. But I’m still not sure what the objectionable content is for any of these films. And if anything in the three films on trial are found obscene, does that mean that ANY film which contains these same elements will be banned? Gulp.

The 1st Amendment is supposed to protect our freedom of speech. There’s nothing illegal about the porn in question, which was purchased by a Federal Agent (Bush Administration) who sought them out looking for the most extreme content he could find. If it were up to me I’d drop the charge and spend more money on sex-positive sex education, ending sexual shame and understanding consent.

What also seems unjust, that I feel I can’t leave out of this post, is looking at our justice system and society’s priorities. Compare the trial to that which recently happened in the Bay Area: Johannes Mehseler, a white former BART Cop might face a 5-14 year jail sentence for killing Black civilian Oscar Grant Jr. (News, blogs, and multiple videos of the killing are online.) This is proof of a flawed system with obscene priorities. 14 years vs. 35 years and $7 million. With all the shit going on in the world, there are other issues far more extreme than the sexual acts on the screen.

Porn already faces much censorship. If I had a nickel every time I’ve explained to someone that DVD distributors do not allow vaginal fisting in the content of the films because of possible obscenity charges, and the person I’m telling this cocks their head in confusion and asks: “Why? What’s wrong with fisting?”, well, let’s just say I’d have a lot of money to put towards a sex-positive culture.

Though none of the DVDs I’ve done show fisting, you can find it and more liberated sex on the queer porn site CrashPadSeries.com. The reason it’s okay for this to occur online is the definition found within the obscenity language which describes “community standards”. An online community is not so easily confined to geographic location, such as tracking shipping of a DVD. Queers live everywhere, and the fact that many think it’s ridiculous that fisting might be considered obscene is proof of how it fits into community standards. In the queer community, fisting is common and natural. And awesome.

I’ve got a little sidetracked. If you’re wondering what’s going on in that screen to my left, Belladonna’s Fetish Fanatics is still at it. I’ve decided to forgo “Joey Silvera’s Storm Squirters 2: Target Practice” because it’s getting late, and judging by the description there looks to be a lot of female ejaculation. Which is real and isn’t gross, end of story. On my laptop Girl/Girl scenes with latex and gaping assholes have sped by. I’m watching adorable Belladonna, in pig-tales and doggy mask, bark at her puppy playmate Clare Adams. Their silicone doggy-tailed butt plugs wag joyfully as the two star performers play and stiff each other’s asses. Claire pins Belladonna down, growling low and furious, then springs up to hump Bella’s leg just before gaping her ass with a glass dildo. It’s silly, it’s sexy, and really… who doesn’t like puppies?

UPDATE: The charges have been dropped! Here’s an XBiz article describing more. Congrats to John, Karen, Evil Angel and the defense team. As Lorelei Lee (a friend of mine who performed in the films and who was going to testify — provided the court would allow her to do so under her stage name — exclaims “WE WON!” Here’s a video from Reason.TV of John Stagliano after the news: