It’s a question I get asked a lot and it’s a fairly simple answer: Yes, many close family members know that I do porn, and they support me. And some of them I haven’t told yet because I want to come out to them when the time is right.

Simple enough on the surface, but there’s much more.

I am seeking submissions of personal narratives from porn performers, videographers, photographers, producers, directors, web producers, industry writers and reviewers, and anyone else who works in the field of adult videos, websites, and other explicit content. The current focus is on submissions approximately 1000 words, but longer or shorter works will be considered. (I will also accept submissions that are creative, including poetry, visual art, music and video as supplemental elements involved in the promotion of the final ebook.)

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES:

• Please provide your experience coming out (or not) and whatever details about the situation that feel comfortable to you and the parties involved.
• Please include name changes, pen names, or anonymous submissions.
• Submissions should be approximately 1,000 words in length.
• Writers retain rights and may publish their work at any time, as they see fit. Exclusivity is not required.
• Please send as a Word, Text, or Google Doc, or in the body of the email.
• If your work is selected, I will contact you in regards to publishing information, payment, and contracts.
• If your work is selected, I will contact you in regards to any desired biographies and website URLs.

Email: Jiz@JizLee.com
I will respond to all submissions no later than October 11th, 2012. (National Coming Out Day.)

So, what was your experience like? Or what information do you withhold? Do you work behind the camera in video, photography, editing or web production, and are you out about it? Do you generalize what you do when asked? Are you more open to disclosing your job to friends or strangers? Do your children know about your work? Do their teachers know? Do you have any advice to others? Did you find acceptance and excitement about coming out? Are there other coming out stories you think are relevant?

- – -

Without getting into too much specifics, because I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to speak on behalf of someone else with such a personal topic, I’ll share some of thoughts I’ve had since coming out a few years ago.

1. Coming out about porn can mean coming out about other things.
In my case, my porn involves a lot of aspects of my personal life. This means incorporating queer and kinky sex with many of my lovers, my gender expression, and this very website with my blog describing how I enjoy sex work and think it’s fun and healthy. That sentence alone incorporates at least five things to come out about, besides porn itself: My 1) queer sexuality; 2) Kink; 3) polyamorous lifestyle; 4) genderqueer/trans* identity; and, 5) sex work as sex-positive pleasure.

It can be difficult to come out as just one of these things, so the fact that they’re wrapped up in one another adds complications. Since my teenage years, I’ve come out as gay, then poly, and the last three all together.

2. You don’t just come out once.
As I’ve come out over the years about different things, I’ve come to understand that the act of coming out is not a one-time event. It’s not like once you’ve come out, it’s over and things are either fine or they’re not. There are the on-going discussions that come up and there’s further outings that happen (either by you or other people, sometimes accidentally). It takes an open heart to commit to being honest about the fears and anger that can arise, and to communicate these feelings in a healthy way.

I’m blessed to have a lot of love in my family. And that love is there even when there is fear or confusion.

3. There’s very few resources.
Books have been written for parents of transgender youth, for teens on coming out as queer, and BDSM lifestyles such as “When Someone You Love is Kinky“. When one of my partners and I were first exploring non-monogamy, we found “The Ethical Slut” and “Opening Up” full of helpful information. And while there are books about sex work and sex & culture, there’s not much specific to pornography. Of the sex educators and sexologists I’ve asked, it seems that this book has yet to be written.

For a brief history on the beginnings of the porn industry as we know it, check out Michael Stabile’s documentary “SMUT CAPITAL OF AMERICA“. A strange fact is that the very people I’m coming out to have been alive longer than the industry itself. Porn — at least the kind that’s sold online and in stores for personal viewing — hasn’t been around for very long. Perhaps the fact that it’s still so new is one reason why there’s not a lot published on the subject.

Another reason of course, is the subject itself.

4. Porn is a four-letter word.
One of the reasons it took me so long to come out was my fear that I would be judged and I would lose my family’s love. No matter how brilliant and loving someone is, I still am afraid that coming out to them will cause them to think poorly of me, pulling from society’s stereotypes of sex workers being naive or damaged victims, powerless or coerced. There’s so much shame around sex in our culture, that even though it’s legal and very common, there’s stigma around P-O-R-N. Many of the people I’ve worked with refuse to call their work “porn” because of these terrible associations. For myself though, I think that breaking down the stereotypes is part of the process. While much of the work I do can be described as erotic, sexual documentary and adult cinema, and my intentions can gravitate towards sex-positive representation and alternative views of healthy sexuality through working primarily with people whom I’ve loved… at the end of the day: I did porn.

5. The Internet is Forever.
Part of my organic, “self-agent process” entails my decisions to meet directors and co-stars before agreeing to do a project. And if that can’t happen for whatever reason, they must come with strong references or recommendation from people I know. When you perform in porn, you sign the rights of your image over to a producer. When a sexual image of you is published online, it’s there forever. It’s downloaded to user’s computers, it’s shared on Tumblr, and as much as you might try to control it… once it’s done, it’s done. This is the reason I try to work with directors and producers who I feel understand and respect me and my identity. The process of putting myself out there in ways I have some control over, establishing my identity and creating representations of people like me, outweigh the dangers of people behaving with malicious or exploitative intentions. It’s a known risk, and one I’m willing to take even though it can be frightening, especially for loved ones. It can also mean that you can be outed through an image online at any given time… regardless if it’s flattering or not.

So where am I now?

Honestly, I think I’m still the same place I was before I first came out, only now I can share my excitement and pride in my accomplishments. How GOOD it feels to not have to tell white lies about my trips abroad, traveling half-way around the world to “visit friends”. I hate lying. I feel more shame in the fact that I lied to my family, than I ever will about the sex I had on film.

And coming out hasn’t changed my decisions about doing porn. (Although knowing that my family can read my blog means I’ll try to remember to proofread.) As always, I’ll continue to do projects which I think are satisfying to me while exploring the genre — in a way that is safe and sustainable, and teaches me and others about sex and pleasure. From the beginning, each project I do is a choice. Even though I can’t claim that they’ve all been brilliant, shining examples of my sex-positive philosophy, and that sometimes I work with a production that probably wasn’t the best fit, each project has been lesson in helping me define and articulate the power I have of my own sexuality and autonomy.

So, I feel proud about all this. And, I want to ask for your help.

I wrote this blog post in hopes that it will help me form my thoughts about coming out, and maybe it can offer something to you. But I need more resources. Do you know a good book or blog post I can use to create a “syllabus” of supporting materials to help other performers, families and friends find the information and validation they need to come out? (This information will help me and my own family too, that’s for certain!)

Thank you everyone, for the support you’ve given to me through your emails and messages, for purchasing my work, for respecting my gender pronouns and sexuality, for inspiring me to write and share my experiences, and more. I’m looking forward to hearing from you!

Wow!

I am the luckiest 30 year old on the planet.

For my birthday I had a 30-person (Plus ME for good luck!) orgy at CrashPadSeries.com. I invited all the cast from the site, as well as some friends I knew were in town who are the porny type. Shine Louise Houston and I had intended to have it live-streamed, however there were unforeseen technical complications — which really sucked! I was pretty bummed about it not working out, but eventually was able to let it go and the party moved on.

To break the ice, I stripped down to my birthday suit and had everyone don a strap-on. My party guests circled around the bed and I sat on the mattress taking turns blowing their cocks (instead of candles). All were silicone cocks covered with condoms and each had a different shape, texture, and color. Some condoms were flavored. One was a feeldoe. Each short blowjob was different. I asked for fellatio tips, because I have a shallow gag-reflex and am working on learning new things when it comes to sucking cock. One of the tips was to open your throat, such as what happens in a yawn. Another tip was to get on my back and hang my head off the edge of the bed to allow for a straight line from my mouth to my throat. I played around with the ideas and writhed on the bed enjoying their eyes on my body and the sucking action.

Some receivers held my head. Some, like Princess Donna, thrust their hips. The second to last cock was ENORMOUS. It was about 2 1/2 inches wide and… my guess is 2 feet long. Needless to say, I only got the head in. But what a visual!

Just when I thought that was the last one, Micah Riot hopped up on the bed and flashed a tiny red one at me. It was so small in comparison I could almost deep throat it all the way. My mouth and eyes were watery and I was ready to move on. Some guests were too — soon there were at least 3 or 4 cock sucking pairs going down around me. I hopped off the bed to make room for some action and checked on the tech. Live-streaming was a no-go, so Shine and Amanda picked up cameras and got to work in the room.

Sorry you missed the ice breaker, but I hope my description painted a picture.

The cameras were rolling now, and the action was ON. I sent a tweet and peeked in the room and watched hot queers going at it. I made out with Arabelle Raphael and James Darling. What a HOT duo and great kissers too. Arabelle put a glove on and quickly got to fisting me. She’s so gorgeous and her mascara left traces whereever she kissed. Just as Arabelle and I were wrapping up, I heard Princess Donna say “I want in on the birthday…” and she slipped on a glove and applied lube up to the wrists and started working her magic. Donna’s a pro when it comes to making people ejaculate and she’s got a good technique at pulling in a direction which causes the fluid to project out towards her breasts. It’s pretty amazing to watch. Whenever you sub to Princess Donna, you tell her thank you for making you come. So you’ll hear me saying “Thank you Princess!” pretty much the whole time I’m drenching her blouse.

After that I noticed my friend Mickey Mod in the other room and caught his eye. For folks who are curious about my queer sexuality, I love many genders and cisgender queer men are not excluded. This shoot marks my first scene with a cisgender/assigned-male lover. (Wow!)

After Mickey, a handsome older friend “tagged in”. I’m not sure what their stage name is so I’m going to be vague. I will say that they felt really REALLY good and I  came again all over their clothes.

To wrap it up, I got to service Princess Donna and thank her for her earlier fists by sucking on her toes. I’m completely in love with her feet and I think you can tell looking at the footage. Plus kneeling there gave me the optimal view as I could see her touching herself, and I have to say, she is so beautiful when she comes it makes me want to cry.

Watching the footage was fantastic because I got to see all the OTHER action that was happening, such as my Tucker Saxon getting fisted for the very first time by James Bondage, and I loved watching Sophia St. James and Micah Riot go at each other. Speaking of GOING AT IT, Tina Horn and Roger Wood were amazing. Tobi Hill-Meyer and her sweety Briar were adorable, as were Tobi and Maya Mayhem, and Marlo Davis and L. And if you want to get a glimpse of the enormous cock from my ice breaker, you can see it just after 9 is done with it. There was so much more that happened. You really have to sign up and watch.

After the orgy winded down, Shine asked people to say happy birthday to me for the camera. I smile so big when I watch it (I watched it three times!). Everyone is so sweet and beautiful. I loved especially that folks who were not in the room fucking got on camera to wish a happy birthday, like Wolf and Cinnamon and Dr. Handzy and Brooklyn Flaco. P.S. I like the part when Shine and people called me as “birth day girl” and you hear me coming from the other room saying “I’d love to be called ‘birthday person’.” As well as the sound-effect orgasmic cake. (Which was delicious!)

As a bonus, Shine posted a special update explaining what went wrong. Like many special Shine Behind the Scenes updates (for Level 3 Members), it stars Shine and Shine. This one features another special guest. I cracked up watching it!

If there’s anything you can do for my birthday, sign up for this Level 3, if only for one month. Watch the birthday party, which is as much laughter as it is moans. There’s such a variety of love and bodies and I’m so touched and appreciative. Thank you Shine Louise Houston, thank you all the members of CrashPadSeries.com which make the site possible, thank you all the models and friends who came, and who obviously make the site possible too! Thank you Good Vibrations (goodvibes.com) for supplying a TON of safer sex supplies. One of the most beautiful parts of the event was the communication and asking for gloves, lube, what others wanted. Watching the timing and orgasms flow from one to the next. Doing the party, and reliving it on screen afterward… this has been the best 30th birthday I’ve ever had.

The small images I’ve included in this post don’t hold a candle to the action. If you’re not a card-carrying, Level 3 proud flag waving member of the queer porn site CrashPadSeries.com, now IS the time.

It also happens to be queer friendly as well; Courtney Trouble and I shot for one of the scenes, and it was a smash hit. I was really flattered to be a part of it, not only because I applaud the creation of a kink-focused site that features more diversity, and the accomplishments of it’s creator Kelly Shibari, but also because I got to share the moment with Courtney. It set the stage as her emergence into a new level of kinky/poly porn performance for the award-winning director.

We staged our scene in the incredible shower at the home of Jamye Waxman.

I tied Courtney up (in a pretty mean way — with hemp rope that tightens when wet) and subjected her to an ice cold rinsing. I made her suck my cock while her face was pummeled with freezing water, and then shoved her in the tiled corner, where I fingered her until she came, shivering, and then left her sopping wet.

It wasn’t the nicest thing to do for a friend I care so much about and for her first leap into kinky porn.
But then again, being nice wasn’t the point. (Besides, look how much fun it was — you can see me smirking at how cold the water felt. It was *very* cold.)

Watch our scene at PaddedKINK.com!

There are a couple of things this brings up for me, including the idea of “cheating”, as I believe that anyone in any kind of relationship has the ability to “cheat”. Perhaps  in this case the author defines “cheating” as something of a monogamous relationship that is non-consensually non-monogamous. Ya dig?

The other idea that comes up for me is the inclusion of sex workers within the idea of sexual relationships. Do relationships end when commercial gain begins? I think the lines are blurry. For instance, many porn performers  are in monogamous and open relationships of all kinds. Which isn’t surprising, as it’s a job like any other. (Ugh… taxes…) How performers define their sexual practices for work or play varies greatly; I’ve had fascinating conversations with stars who consider themselves and their non-performing partner monogamous (often not knowing much about the word “poly”) yet have specific agreements and arrangements within their relationships (including sex/affection off-camera) that many in the poly community would consider common within open relationships. So you can be monogamous and still have sex with other people. Can of worms, huh?!

I’d love to sit down and write/read more about this. Please feel free to comment with any links to resources you may have. A few adult industry people  I known talk about open relationships, such as  Nina Hartley, and Tristan Taormino who has written Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships — I swear I’ve bought 6 copies of this book!

I’ve written a little, mostly just posting information I get excited about. If you’re interested in my previous posts, you can find a few here such as Six Basic Needs and A postcard on healthy communication from CUAV (CUAV = Communities United Against Violence). Until then, it’s a wide world of sex… so of course it’s messy!

It’s going to be screened at the Kick-Off Party of Good Vibrations‘ Independent Erotic Film Festival (IXFF). The event’s happening at El Rio in San Francisco, and promises to be a good time had by all.

Photo: NoFauxxx.com

I sometimes get nervous watching a film that I’m in on the big screen in the company of friends and co-workers. But dammit, I’m excited about seeing this film. I’m also looking forward to supporting Courtney, a dear friend of mine. Some of you may recall that she and I co-starred in In Search of the Wild Kingdom/The Wild Search. I’ve also appeared on NoFauxxx.com a bunch and have performed in a SLEW of her recent releases like Roulette and Nostalgia.

In Speakeasy, I play a HIGHLY femme version of my faggy self. Courtney asked me to pick out the dress, and we opted for hairy legs and armpits. Lorelei did my make-up and it was a transformation! It did feel a little funny hanging out with all the cast and going out to grab a bit with HELLA lipstick and eye lashes on… add to that my typical boyish aesthetic and when in company of so many hot transmen, FtM and Genderqueer Fags and Men, I was feeling pretty darn girly.

I’ll be curious to see how some folks receive the gender make-up of this film. For example, many performers don’t identify as lesbian and I wonder if some retailers might place their female-born bodies into a tricky categorization. Whether Men, Trans, Femme, Gay, GenderQueer (me!), or any other sexual/gender identity, I’m sure of one thing: this is one queer film.

Gender aside, I had an amazing time shooting my scene with Dallas Fivestar. It is a suspension scene and I really found the eroticism of the rope and my security in Fivestar’s hands. Absolutely incredible. It was a good learning experience about being a good sub and also shooting bondage for the camera.

Here’s a sneak trailer,  in Black & White;  this is different from the actual footage I’ve been told.

Courtney Trouble’s “Speakeasy” Trailer! from Courtney Trouble on Vimeo.

When the year is done, it is thrown into a box where I can then look back and say, holy shit. What a year!
It feels that way thinking back at relationships, too.

April 7th 2009 marked the 4 year anniversary of me and Shawn (aka Syd Blakovich). More specifically, the fourth year since our very first date. It’s been an open, loving, intense, emotional, supportive, momentous, art-filled, passionate bunch of years. We rocked SF’s artsphere with twincest, our multi-genre performance duo. We bukkake’d the adult industry with a smash hit of Pink & White and other queer works by filling the big screen with our love juices. We gathered around friends and lovers to create art, community, sex, chaos, and sleeplessness. We experienced the passing of loved ones and the births and joining of new lives. And we redefined our love and relationship more times than Madonna – only without the cultural appropriation.

Here’s a brief trip down laptop memory lane… to continued love-art-porn (and documentation)!

Dyke March 05, back when I could hold my own with her in the ring.

The Crash Pad publicity photos. WTF is going on with our hair?

Hyphen interview, some of the more classy photos, thanks Leilani.

Our own are pretty trashy… this is twincest’s version of Mary Kate & Ashley

Unisex, photo by Mia Knockano

One from our bathtub series. We clean up well.

Can this please end up somewhere on the internet as a WTF photo? Credit: TWINCEST.NET thx!

Censorship panel discussion at the old location of Femina Potens.
Despite the RAD people on the panel and the engaging discussion, we all look bored out of our skulls.

Fun times with Baguettes at an early Pink & White Meet and Greet party. I think Violet Blue took this image. Couple on the right is Princess Donna and Lorelei Lee.

Still from BehindKink.com documentary on how Shawn and I trashed Mr. Pam‘s kitchen.

One of my favorite photos, taken by Shilo McCabe, because you can see Shawn’s wedding ring…

Shawn and I have an open relationship, which sometimes includes group sexing.

I found these photos from my camera, time to put them online.

Our sand crab.

Awwww… the end. For now.

Love is a beautiful, dangerous, inspiring, and complicated kick in the ass. I’m in open relationships. In the past I was non-consensually  non-monogamous… aka I cheated, a lot. In the past five years or so, I’ve been learning how to communicate honestly, which included being more truthful to myself. That might be the hardest part — knowing what you want.

Every month or so, I go to a group meeting with my friends and lovers, and listen to what others have to say about love. Last night, we shared these two lists, which I’m completely fascinated by. I thought I’d put them here, in case they’re any use to any of you — sometimes I get questions about being poly, though issues around open relationships (time management is a big one) pertain to anyone regardless of our relationship style.

Six Basic Needs

We each have a desire to meet our basic needs; how we meet them is up to us. Will it be sustainable? Attainable? Destructive? Healthy?

1. Certainty – relates to security and safety

2. Variety

3. Connection / Love

4. Significance

5. Contribution (to something larger than ourselves, to community, etc)

6. Growth (personal growth, self-actualization)

Everyone has a different threshold for where this need is met. Ultimately, it’s about how the need gets met.

(Adapted from Tony Robbins and Vanguard Leather)

The Five Love Languages:

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

(www.fivelovelanguages.com)

Shawn and I performed at CounterPULSE Theater, with pinata replicas of our twin-like selves. It was a benefit for Jess Curtis/Gravity who will be performing their full length show in March. Jess introduced us. We invited the audience to come down and take a whack. (After a swig of Bicardi and 5 spins of course.) Our weapon of choice? This dildo, a blue whale penis replica appropriately titled Moby Dick that we found in the Castro:

(That’s a 4″ base, folks. Real whale’s dick is 8 feet long.)

We ordered custom papered pinatas (I do believe the original design of them were Dora the Explorer…) from a FANTASTIC shop called Rainbow Custom Made Pinatas (yelp) and fashioned them to look like ourselves in our first work Limerance. (Video promo excerpt)

Here they are waiting in my living room (scaring the shit out of my flatmates):

We then threw them in the trunk of a cab and headed to the theater.

Soon we’ll have a video of the performance. Basically the audience circled around us, taking turns beating us down with the dick. Inside the pinatas were goodie bags with pieces from past performances; a retrospective souvenir. 3-D glasses, plastic gun pellets, slide images, ping pong balls, postcards, glittered bacon, panties, and much more. (Unlike our past performances, there was no blood, no urine, and no poop.)

By the end of it all, the audience got to take home a piece of our art, and the twins had been pulverized.

Legendary performance artist and academic Keith Hennessy (also here) followed our performance with an improvisation where he removed his own without removing his shorts, and then put on a pair of our undies he had grabbed from the broken pinatas on in the same fashion. To the audiences’ amazement, he was able to do it! (Sans one of s.)

Twincest may do our last performance in November (a funeral) so keep your eye out for that by emailing info (@) twincest (.) net to be added to the mailing list, and be sure to follow us @TwincestFuckArt on twitter.

Here’s a quick pick of the aftermath, save one tremendously teasing pin…

P.S. There’s a round two in the making…

Here’s a peek at one of the digital photos from the shoot. I will share more later. I’m also excited to see what qualities come from the aged film Terry used. Many shots that were taken that cold day. The barrack walls are covered in what Terry determined was chocolate pudding, probably left from some kids who obviously had a great time defacing the walls and glass windows of the many buildings on the property. The sound of crunching broken glass from busted light bulbs echoed loudly.