There’s a pun in this title, because I’ve recently let insecurities get in my way of having a good time being myself.
I’m going to skip the details as it’s a little too close to home for me to publicly recount the feelings I had. While I’m disappointed that I felt such negativity effect me, I understand that we all have moments like this happen to us at some point or another. I am proud that I was honest about my feelings, and that I was able to continue without letting them sabotage my experience. I’m also going to use this insecurity as an impetus to reflect on what it is I like about sex and specifically pornography, so that I can get to the truth about why I do what I do. After all, I do it cause I love it.
As more porn opportunities for me arise, I want to ensure that I’m working in ways that are healthy to me. I’m a competitive person, but typically with myself — I’m constantly thinking about how I can do something the best I can, I love the moment of really feeling into what I’m doing. I’ve felt something special in porn that is a unique blend of 3 very real parts of my performance:
Sexual Aspects of Porn Performance (my list):
1. art – dance, theater, modeling, spectacle, highly self-aware portrayal for audience
2. athleticism – sports, stamina, agility, physical ability, flexibility, strength, focused on physical feat.
3. spirituality – emotional connection to others and self, orgasm, passion and love
These three things blend for me with pornography – specifically, performing in porn. I could go further to philosophize the intentions of the audience, my connection to the community associated with the work, be it feminists, women, queers, etc… however I’ll keep it simple and just stick to the actual work itself. And what’s interesting, is the experience creating the work vs. the final product as they’re sometimes very different. Because I’m not involved in the production of the final image I’ll again narrow in on the actual experience on set; what I’m feeling and thinking while shooting porn.
What I experience are blends of the 3 ideas mentioned above. Usually an experience is a combination of all three, and often one aspect will be higher than the rest. I love getting into the artistic merit of the directors’ vision, of my role as an actor/model in portraying an emotion or visual element. I love challenging my physical limits, my endurance, and more recently, exploring my threshold for pain. I love working with people who I admire, connect with, and love. I’ve had some of the most amazing shoot experiences working with my lovers and I would say that number 3 is probably my strongest performance strength, and what I find the most pleasure in doing. Through all of these ideas and blends of them in the work I’ve done, I value each shoot and honor each experience. I’ve grown a lot through porn and never have regrets.
What about this self-doubt? What happened was I compared myself to someone I’m not, and found that to cause me to think of myself as inadequate; a horrible feeling. I know what it is that I love, and (possibly another post) why it is that I think it’s important for me right now.
So, fuck competition and I’m gonna have a great time being ME.
1 comment
drew hawks says:
May 24, 2009
i resonated a lot a lot with this post. thanks for writing this. i share a similar philosophy. i could switch up the order of those things as i really privilege self-connection and exploration through making porn. i
watching myself, and i don’t know if makes sense, of course lends itself *way* more to making external comparisons, which for me always makes the final product a little less sweet, and sometimes a bit of an odd juxtaposition, as compared to the moments when it was made.
it’s good that you are able to see the competitive nature within you. and it’s not to say that competition is all bad. maybe it’s semantics but it seems like you enjoy competing with yourself and challenging your boundaries. that, in fact, is a super important part of the work you do and what you value.
but, with that said, maybe i think that it’s when we start comparing ourselves to *others*, to ‘someone we’re not’, that’s when we get in trouble. i’ve found that when i do that we’re not able to offer up any rational comparison. hells, all of the transphobia and homophobia, all the beliefs about being ugly or a freak sorta surface randomly, unexpectedly, and in a toxic way they taint my view of myself. this is what happens when i try to compete with someone else, someone i am not, someone i could not be, someone i could never be, and, most importantly, someone that i can never really *know* anyways. also, when i do that – compete with others – i’m actually getting away from what is the more important competition which, akin to what you describe, is the competition with ourselves. with finding ourselves, facing our fears, pushing our boundaries, connecting in ways – to partners, to audiences, to spirituality – in ways that seemed ephemeral before. this self-connection piece, for me at least, is kinda like really integral.
i totally don’t think you’re alone in experiencing this (nor do i think you think this). i do think that you’re a smarty to actually be aware of that. that and you’re obviously totally more self-aware than the average (ah! comparing, look at me!) which both means that you may be hyper-attuned to this which is both good and bad.
for some reason, somehow, when i watch you…
i think that you’ve also been able to translate your philosophy into what people see when they watch you. you’re hott, of course. but you’re also both present, and visibly there, pushing yourself. you inspire rather than alienate which is a seriously difficult but crucial thing to do in porn, imho.
anyways, i know this post is going to serve you well. i hope that you continue to make the awesome work you, that you continue to connect with yourself and others, making sure to take care of yourself.