watching myself, and i don’t know if makes sense, of course lends itself *way* more to making external comparisons, which for me always makes the final product a little less sweet, and sometimes a bit of an odd juxtaposition, as compared to the moments when it was made.

it’s good that you are able to see the competitive nature within you. and it’s not to say that competition is all bad. maybe it’s semantics but it seems like you enjoy competing with yourself and challenging your boundaries. that, in fact, is a super important part of the work you do and what you value.

but, with that said, maybe i think that it’s when we start comparing ourselves to *others*, to ‘someone we’re not’, that’s when we get in trouble. i’ve found that when i do that we’re not able to offer up any rational comparison. hells, all of the transphobia and homophobia, all the beliefs about being ugly or a freak sorta surface randomly, unexpectedly, and in a toxic way they taint my view of myself. this is what happens when i try to compete with someone else, someone i am not, someone i could not be, someone i could never be, and, most importantly, someone that i can never really *know* anyways. also, when i do that – compete with others – i’m actually getting away from what is the more important competition which, akin to what you describe, is the competition with ourselves. with finding ourselves, facing our fears, pushing our boundaries, connecting in ways – to partners, to audiences, to spirituality – in ways that seemed ephemeral before. this self-connection piece, for me at least, is kinda like really integral.

i totally don’t think you’re alone in experiencing this (nor do i think you think this). i do think that you’re a smarty to actually be aware of that. that and you’re obviously totally more self-aware than the average (ah! comparing, look at me!) which both means that you may be hyper-attuned to this which is both good and bad.

for some reason, somehow, when i watch you… i think that you’ve also been able to translate your philosophy into what people see when they watch you. you’re hott, of course. but you’re also both present, and visibly there, pushing yourself. you inspire rather than alienate which is a seriously difficult but crucial thing to do in porn, imho.

anyways, i know this post is going to serve you well. i hope that you continue to make the awesome work you, that you continue to connect with yourself and others, making sure to take care of yourself.