Watching vs. Seeing
by Jiz Lee ~ January 6, 2010
Every time I think about the upcoming AVN Awards Ceremony and my nomination for “Best New Web Star” I get a chill that runs through my body and ends up at the flesh on the bottom of my butt as sharp goosebumps. January 9th rapidly approaches and I’m realizing that I’m really fucking nervous about the chance of actually winning this thing.
While I consider the nomination an award in itself, I also keep psyching myself out about the possibility of winning and what it could mean for my future choices within the adult industry (whether indie, mainstream or an awkward combination that finds it’s own path).
Part of me thinks, “AVN is so mainstream, I don’t stand a chance!” Another part thinks, “Huh. Just imagine if I won. This could be a huge step towards the visibility of queer porn, of alternate presentations of gender and sexuality. This is why I do this… so who knows!” Yes, there is much potential here, and I can’t describe that idea without acknowledging that in being some sort of ‘queer porn poster child’, there is privilege. Regardless of my own vision of ‘self’, I know I have qualities congruent to stereotypical Euro-centric ‘beauty’. I’m thin, light-skinned, have feminine proportions, etc…. I can be accessible to a ‘broad audience’ while still at the same time being an ‘other’ in many ways. Of course this grey-area struggle is not uncommon… and besides, aren’t we ALL fighting within our own boundaries, insecurities, and identities?
So with that in consideration, in my New Years resolution I hold this value: that the more visibly supportive I am for my peers and the things which I hold true to myself, the more powerful and proud I will be of success and the positivity it can bring. In essence, I just gotta be me. What I find utterly thrilling, and what makes me tremble, is that I think people are more than just watching me; I think they might actually be seeing me.
January 6th, 2010 at 1:29 am
Win or lose, know that you are an EXTREMELY sexy woman. Fuck stereotypical. “if everybody looked the same, we’d get tired of looking at each other” says one of my favorite songs, and baby I could look at you all day!
Straight, porn loving, natural woman loving JIZ LEE loving american male here! KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK! I love your WIZARD!
January 6th, 2010 at 11:47 am
Q and I have talked a lot about this, about privilege in general, whether that is white privilege, cisgender privilege, ability privilege, my privilege of looking like society’s conventions of feminine, of her privilege of being read as queer (where as I’m pretty much exclusively seen as queer only when I’m on her arm, we’re kissing, or I’ve got my hand in her cunt).
Privilege as being a marketable porn star in more mainstream communities as privilege you can use to bring awareness to the industry about gender/racial/sexual/presentational (is that a word?) disversity. I cannot think of anyone I would rather find success as a “cross-over” star in the mainstream, representing a variety of minorities in the porn world. You’re aware of your privilege, you have ridiculously hot sex, you are witty and eloquent, and damn it, people like you
*steps off of soap box* Looking forward to seeing you in passing this weekend.
-S
January 8th, 2010 at 3:54 pm
What Essin-Em sez:
“I cannot think of anyone I would rather find success as a ?cross-over? star in the mainstream, representing a variety of minorities in the porn world. You?re aware of your privilege, you have ridiculously hot sex, you are witty and eloquent, and damn it, people like you.”
Also:
Jiz, I am such a fan of how downright *genuine* and *present* you are — that’s what shines through in your porn and art work, and that’s what shines through when you’re just chillin’ with folks. Of course you just gotta be you.
And CONGRATULATIONS! I’m rooting for you from SF!
January 8th, 2010 at 3:58 pm
Oh, also? Kudos to you for being vulnerable here. Admitting nervousness/tenderness takes guts!